First of all THANK you for this post. I think lots of people go trough this and feel the same way but it is basically unspoken for or put under the carpet. I sometimes feel like people think « you got the kids just deal with it » and this feels so lonely to me sometimes. Another thing is you probably forget about the early stages , the difficulties and challenges of parenthood and older people saying , no your were easy kids , no tantrums , i am
So sure they just forgot about it ! Anyway
Parenting is hard ( yeah to daycare 🤣). But parenting does get better ( or i might say diffèrent ) as they grow older. You might find some Time for yourself back, but challenges do come with each age.
I have a 6 1/2 yr old 4 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old.
For me the baby years were not the most challenging toddlerhood was 3-4 years old get the worst out of me as they navigate through unknown émotions and tantrums and rudeness ( that they totally are unaware of ). The difficulty of going out in public with them and being exhausted by trying them to behave ( which is so difficult to grasp for them) and not run around everywhere and boy do they run fast haha.
Anyway i totally feel you. But it does get easier ! I am not that far Away from you in âge but for me 5 years was an actual cornerstone.
My first child then got more calm, and was able to play on his own for 1-2 hours at a time without me having to interfère . Having this in mind helps to navigate the difficulties with my second one and I see that I am more calm about his mixed feelings of toddlerhood which is so struggled with my first .
The milestones helped : being able to dress up on his own, to shower on his own ( with surveillance but still ). Being able to play without changing activity Every two minutes.
Raising multiple kids is hard but two things help for me :
Remember the years go fast but the minutes are long
Hearing other parents facing same difficulties as mine ( i am on a mom Facebook group… 80% of the posts are about 0-6yr parenting difficulties )
Listening to podcasts , i love Best of both world in english
Paying for therapy to complain about my kids ( not seeing great résults for the moment but Hope is there )
Again , I feel the same way as you, Sending lots of love here ! Parenting is hard and the challenges so overhelm you but the sparks of joy they give are so bright it makes you Forget all the bad !
I've been thinking something similar a lot - when does it get easier - but I am on the other side. I'm a mama of a newly minted 7th grader (12), 4th grader (10) and 2nd grader (7), and it gets SO much better but it's tiring in a different way.
Yours need you in a watch them constantly, you physically need my assistance and management kind of way. That does just slowly fade away, and you don't notice it until you're with a friend or a sibling who has a little and are thinking oh yea - i'm at this party and enjoying a glass of wine and have not seen or thought about my kids in an hour. I will read a book at the park while my kids play. I can give them permission for a snack and they will get it themselves.
The first parts of transitioning them to school can be really hard - the letting go part of it. But seeing them just sparkle and thrive and build their own little life is just so very cool. They have buddies and you get to hear about the drama and see new interests (and also wait - where did you hear about that!). You truly can and do put them on a bus and watch them drive away and expect them to come home and they do! And they come back with all these experiences you weren't a part of and it's really cool to see the village building around them that is forming who they are and will become. You are still their center and their home but their world is bigger.
My kids can order for themselves at restaurants, go to the bathroom by themselves at the restaurant, walk up to the park together by themselves, call my parents or siblings to chat (on their home flip phone we bought - no cells for them!), read books for hours and have favorite series that i've never read, discover new shows on their own, have their own requests for music, cook some food for themselves, and so much more.
On the other hand, it is so mentally and emotionally exhausting now in a way that I just crave my littles sometimes when I see pictures of them. Yes - you CAN empty the dishwasher when I ask you to. The child is physically capable of it. But the 10 -20 minutes of moaning (You treat me like a servant! So - and - so isn't helping! Where does this go? And this? And this?) just wears you down sometimes. We spend a lot of time talking about do you want me to be fair or loving? Because elementary kids are obsessed with things being fair and HATE when you play out what that really means.
You lose a lot of control - they may not be in the activities you would've chosen anymore or wear clothes you would want them to wearor like the books or things you liked as a kid, but they're building up their own personalities and preferences and you don't get to dictate and define their world as closely anymore.
And the emotional stuff can be quite HARD. And having the strength to just let them be in their discomfort or mistakes or sadness can fill you with such deep anguish sometimes as a mom. It can be hard to do what is right for their growth when you want to fix and just make them happy all the time. But I want loving, kind, resilient grown ups and that doesn't always mean happy. It means having tools and values and that is what I ultimately need to set them up with. I've already gotten a call from the school nurse this week saying that my son had a stomachache when what we both know is that he has anxiety about change and the new school year. And he's stomping around after school telling me he hates soccer and why did I sign him up when what he's really saying is I'm tired and the school day is longer than a summer day and I just want to veg out and play on the switch but I also know that he's going to be so happy when he sees his friends.
The best thing I ever read when I had kids about the age of yours was a Facebook post from a random lady that said something along the lines of one day you will wake up and realize that you really LIKE your kids. That they're cool people that you want to hang out with and spend time with - not because you're their mom - because they are cool and have the best sense of humor and think interesting thoughts and introduce you to new parts of pop culture and go with you to do super fun things and have family inside jokes. That thought sustained me and it is SO TRUE!!
Being a mom will always be hard because being in relationships with people is hard and this is one of the most complicated, deep and loving relationships that can exist. But oh my gosh does it get better in so many ways! They turn into people and people can do things on their own and people can make you laugh so hard and hug you so tight when they see you need it. And someday maybe you'll send all 3 away for a week at sleep away camp one summer and when you get around to doing some straightening up in the family room in the middle of the week you'll find a post-it note under a pillow that says "to mom all miss you vary much at camp". Believe me it DOES get so much better!
This comment was everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I see glimmers of things easing up with my 3.5 year old who doesn’t require quite the same hyper-vigilance as my 18 month old but man 3.5 years of constantly being “on” really does wear on you! My 3.5 year old is sassy and loves to negotiate so we often talk about how much more intense it’s going to get when she gets older and the stakes get higher so I totally hear you! I am, however so looking forward to wanting to hang out with my kids one day😂 That post-it note was too cute. They always seem to find a way to remind you it’s worth it just when you need it. Again, thank you for instilling hope. Grateful!
Hi Davida! This is a thought I too have had many times. Often accompanied by shame during moments when I've wished time away. My daughter is almost three so I don't have any words of wisdom ahead of you since your daughter is older than my own. It's definitely easier and more enjoyable now than the very early days, though new sets of challenges always pop up. Even just recently I had a mild panic moment on a Sunday afternoon because my daughter no longer naps and I just wanted to be able to do nothing/stare at wall for two hours but now have an active child running the house all hours of the day and I was like, "when, aside from bedtime, will I be able to just do nothing on a Sunday afternoon again?". My husband always jokes: "in 20 years!".
I remember those newborn days all to well, too, and all of the non-stop sleep regressions in the first like 15 months. Nearly broke me. I had some level of PPD and that first year is kind of a blur. My husband and I have leaned toward being one and done since before she was born, although now that I'm a parent it has really made me feel like I'd have a hard time juggling a second - so I can only imagine how the trenches must be for you with two kids. I both applaud you and admire you for showing up day after day. Know that there really are others out here who GET IT.
Right there with ya! These trenches are harrrrrrd. Coming out of a particularly brutal bedtime tonight and genuinely just proud we all survived it! I completely commiserate on the when will I ever be able to just sit around on a Sunday and do nothing! We have also entered no-nap territory with my daughter and we’ve landed on her doing “quiet time” in her room and we reward her with “watching the food network with mom” if she stays in her room successfully! My ploy to just get a little more on the couch time!
Let’s just say that if my first had slept like my second there would have been no second so I feel you. I know we all love our kiddos and perhaps one day we too will be the ones saying “cherish these days!” but man does this season of life feel hard!
This is so relatable! I love the honesty weaved throughout this post, thank you.
I have an 20 month old and I'm just starting to find my groove a little (which happens to be as a newly single Mum).
First of all THANK you for this post. I think lots of people go trough this and feel the same way but it is basically unspoken for or put under the carpet. I sometimes feel like people think « you got the kids just deal with it » and this feels so lonely to me sometimes. Another thing is you probably forget about the early stages , the difficulties and challenges of parenthood and older people saying , no your were easy kids , no tantrums , i am
So sure they just forgot about it ! Anyway
Parenting is hard ( yeah to daycare 🤣). But parenting does get better ( or i might say diffèrent ) as they grow older. You might find some Time for yourself back, but challenges do come with each age.
I have a 6 1/2 yr old 4 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old.
For me the baby years were not the most challenging toddlerhood was 3-4 years old get the worst out of me as they navigate through unknown émotions and tantrums and rudeness ( that they totally are unaware of ). The difficulty of going out in public with them and being exhausted by trying them to behave ( which is so difficult to grasp for them) and not run around everywhere and boy do they run fast haha.
Anyway i totally feel you. But it does get easier ! I am not that far Away from you in âge but for me 5 years was an actual cornerstone.
My first child then got more calm, and was able to play on his own for 1-2 hours at a time without me having to interfère . Having this in mind helps to navigate the difficulties with my second one and I see that I am more calm about his mixed feelings of toddlerhood which is so struggled with my first .
The milestones helped : being able to dress up on his own, to shower on his own ( with surveillance but still ). Being able to play without changing activity Every two minutes.
Raising multiple kids is hard but two things help for me :
Remember the years go fast but the minutes are long
Hearing other parents facing same difficulties as mine ( i am on a mom Facebook group… 80% of the posts are about 0-6yr parenting difficulties )
Listening to podcasts , i love Best of both world in english
Paying for therapy to complain about my kids ( not seeing great résults for the moment but Hope is there )
Again , I feel the same way as you, Sending lots of love here ! Parenting is hard and the challenges so overhelm you but the sparks of joy they give are so bright it makes you Forget all the bad !
I've been thinking something similar a lot - when does it get easier - but I am on the other side. I'm a mama of a newly minted 7th grader (12), 4th grader (10) and 2nd grader (7), and it gets SO much better but it's tiring in a different way.
Yours need you in a watch them constantly, you physically need my assistance and management kind of way. That does just slowly fade away, and you don't notice it until you're with a friend or a sibling who has a little and are thinking oh yea - i'm at this party and enjoying a glass of wine and have not seen or thought about my kids in an hour. I will read a book at the park while my kids play. I can give them permission for a snack and they will get it themselves.
The first parts of transitioning them to school can be really hard - the letting go part of it. But seeing them just sparkle and thrive and build their own little life is just so very cool. They have buddies and you get to hear about the drama and see new interests (and also wait - where did you hear about that!). You truly can and do put them on a bus and watch them drive away and expect them to come home and they do! And they come back with all these experiences you weren't a part of and it's really cool to see the village building around them that is forming who they are and will become. You are still their center and their home but their world is bigger.
My kids can order for themselves at restaurants, go to the bathroom by themselves at the restaurant, walk up to the park together by themselves, call my parents or siblings to chat (on their home flip phone we bought - no cells for them!), read books for hours and have favorite series that i've never read, discover new shows on their own, have their own requests for music, cook some food for themselves, and so much more.
On the other hand, it is so mentally and emotionally exhausting now in a way that I just crave my littles sometimes when I see pictures of them. Yes - you CAN empty the dishwasher when I ask you to. The child is physically capable of it. But the 10 -20 minutes of moaning (You treat me like a servant! So - and - so isn't helping! Where does this go? And this? And this?) just wears you down sometimes. We spend a lot of time talking about do you want me to be fair or loving? Because elementary kids are obsessed with things being fair and HATE when you play out what that really means.
You lose a lot of control - they may not be in the activities you would've chosen anymore or wear clothes you would want them to wearor like the books or things you liked as a kid, but they're building up their own personalities and preferences and you don't get to dictate and define their world as closely anymore.
And the emotional stuff can be quite HARD. And having the strength to just let them be in their discomfort or mistakes or sadness can fill you with such deep anguish sometimes as a mom. It can be hard to do what is right for their growth when you want to fix and just make them happy all the time. But I want loving, kind, resilient grown ups and that doesn't always mean happy. It means having tools and values and that is what I ultimately need to set them up with. I've already gotten a call from the school nurse this week saying that my son had a stomachache when what we both know is that he has anxiety about change and the new school year. And he's stomping around after school telling me he hates soccer and why did I sign him up when what he's really saying is I'm tired and the school day is longer than a summer day and I just want to veg out and play on the switch but I also know that he's going to be so happy when he sees his friends.
The best thing I ever read when I had kids about the age of yours was a Facebook post from a random lady that said something along the lines of one day you will wake up and realize that you really LIKE your kids. That they're cool people that you want to hang out with and spend time with - not because you're their mom - because they are cool and have the best sense of humor and think interesting thoughts and introduce you to new parts of pop culture and go with you to do super fun things and have family inside jokes. That thought sustained me and it is SO TRUE!!
Being a mom will always be hard because being in relationships with people is hard and this is one of the most complicated, deep and loving relationships that can exist. But oh my gosh does it get better in so many ways! They turn into people and people can do things on their own and people can make you laugh so hard and hug you so tight when they see you need it. And someday maybe you'll send all 3 away for a week at sleep away camp one summer and when you get around to doing some straightening up in the family room in the middle of the week you'll find a post-it note under a pillow that says "to mom all miss you vary much at camp". Believe me it DOES get so much better!
This comment was everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I see glimmers of things easing up with my 3.5 year old who doesn’t require quite the same hyper-vigilance as my 18 month old but man 3.5 years of constantly being “on” really does wear on you! My 3.5 year old is sassy and loves to negotiate so we often talk about how much more intense it’s going to get when she gets older and the stakes get higher so I totally hear you! I am, however so looking forward to wanting to hang out with my kids one day😂 That post-it note was too cute. They always seem to find a way to remind you it’s worth it just when you need it. Again, thank you for instilling hope. Grateful!
Hi Davida! This is a thought I too have had many times. Often accompanied by shame during moments when I've wished time away. My daughter is almost three so I don't have any words of wisdom ahead of you since your daughter is older than my own. It's definitely easier and more enjoyable now than the very early days, though new sets of challenges always pop up. Even just recently I had a mild panic moment on a Sunday afternoon because my daughter no longer naps and I just wanted to be able to do nothing/stare at wall for two hours but now have an active child running the house all hours of the day and I was like, "when, aside from bedtime, will I be able to just do nothing on a Sunday afternoon again?". My husband always jokes: "in 20 years!".
I remember those newborn days all to well, too, and all of the non-stop sleep regressions in the first like 15 months. Nearly broke me. I had some level of PPD and that first year is kind of a blur. My husband and I have leaned toward being one and done since before she was born, although now that I'm a parent it has really made me feel like I'd have a hard time juggling a second - so I can only imagine how the trenches must be for you with two kids. I both applaud you and admire you for showing up day after day. Know that there really are others out here who GET IT.
Right there with ya! These trenches are harrrrrrd. Coming out of a particularly brutal bedtime tonight and genuinely just proud we all survived it! I completely commiserate on the when will I ever be able to just sit around on a Sunday and do nothing! We have also entered no-nap territory with my daughter and we’ve landed on her doing “quiet time” in her room and we reward her with “watching the food network with mom” if she stays in her room successfully! My ploy to just get a little more on the couch time!
Let’s just say that if my first had slept like my second there would have been no second so I feel you. I know we all love our kiddos and perhaps one day we too will be the ones saying “cherish these days!” but man does this season of life feel hard!